magic_fratboy

You Think Emotionally

Your brain works best when you are able to really get passionate about something. You like to feel connected to whatever project you are working on. You crave meaning. You work to bring people together, and you're always thinking of a way to compromise. You believe that the only way to get things done is to have everyone in harmony.

Not sure how much I agree with that anymore...things have changed a lot in the last few months. I thrive on conflict, and I can't stand opposition.

I feel more like the man I was than the man I'm supposed to be, and I don't like it. I don't want that man raising my daughter.

Not exactly a fan, but Bee's into DANCING WITH THE STARS and showed me a clip from a couple seasons ago...one of the couples danced to this song, and it struck a chord.

I don't think I need to say that this goes out to Zee. I love you...and I'm waiting.

( KEEP HOLDING ON by Avril Lavigne )

Bendytime back to late Sunday afternoon.

“I’m ashamed of myself for not handling this better…losing your mom, being a single dad…all of it.”

He didn’t mean to say it out loud, but there it was. Stretched out in bed with May laying on his chest, well over an hour after both had finished a long nap, Tommy found himself facing the admission that came against his will, slipping in to break the quiet apart.

( “I mean…I was never really ready to be a dad when you showed up.” )

Muse: Tommy Karras
Fandom: Original Character
Words: 506

Oh, that's nice. So now cheating on your husband makes you a feminist?

No, no, it's not the cheating. It's the hunger. The hunger for an alternative, and the refusal to accept a life of unhappiness.

Nobody believes me when I tell them there’s no one else, that there never will be. They think it’s too soon to know that, they think I’ll get on with my life. I won’t. Maybe it’s selfish of me, but I won’t settle for something else ‘cause it’ll only ever be good enough. It won’t be what I had, and for me? It’s perfect happiness or nothing.

Being with Zee changed my life. I mean, fuck…what we had was so real, so strong that it made a miracle. May shouldn’t exist, but here she is. What else could I hope to have after that? Warmth, affection, stability? Sure, but it’s not enough. Great sex, good physical chemistry, a healthy love life? Yeah, I don’t deny other women appeal to me, or that I could probably sleep with some of ‘em.

It’s not enough. It’s a shadow of that fairy tale, ass-kicking, maelstrom romance I found with my girl. I can’t live with that. I don’t know who in their right mind could. I’ve never been able to settle, not in all my lifetimes. If one woman wasn’t enough, I found others and I had everything I needed. This time, I got lucky: I found all the passion and tenderness I’d ever need in a single girl.

I won’t even get into how big a betrayal it would be, not when my heart can’t forget her. When I can’t feel the void she left, when I can still reach out and feel her like she’s close enough to touch…I’m well aware that I’m marrying a ghost. The new tattoo I got, the ring around my finger? It’s the reason I felt I had to address this shit. I get asked about it so goddamn much now it’s insane.

Love left me, so I married the memory. Getting off or getting together with someone doesn’t matter anymore. All that matters to me is May, my friends, and my career. The world lost something beautiful when it lost Ziyah Ambrogio…it’s my job to put that beauty back.

Muse: Tommy Karras
Fandom: Original Character
Words: 344
Partner: Ziyah Ambrogio (zee_ali) [deceased]

Having someone wonder where you are when you don't come home at night is a very old human need.

One night a week, Mayilia stays over with her grandparents and he comes home to an empty house at four AM.

Blood drops fall on the cement walkway leading to the gate, and his fingers smear the brass doorknob with stains he'll have to clean later as he admits himself into the dark, empty house. The shadows soak into wounds that can't be seen, injuries he once had the power to heal through a single touch or the warmth of a kiss.

Instead, he listens for the click of dog claws against tile, the soft pat of paw pads or the soft 'thud' of a feline body touching down as the animals come to greet him.

They bear silent witness as he leaves the lights out, slowly stripping off his ripped t-shirt as he limps to the bathroom. Around his feet, they sit faithfully and watch him clean the laceration on his chest, the bullet burn on his left palm, the swollen eye that will be miserably black when the sky lightens with the first touch of dawn.

They alone hear his grunts and screams of pain. Their body heat is all he has as he finally curls in on himself, huddled by the cool porcelain of the toilet while they try to warm his chilled spirit by warming his fevered flesh.

He has to remind himself, as he shivers, that he's fighting The Darkness alone now, and it knows it. He has to remind himself she's not in the other room...that she's not coming home.

Hardy climbs into his lap as he shuts his eyes and thinks of her, in spite of himself...the playful smile and the laughter that came the day she found the scrawny little kitten and plunked him down to sleep on the couch beside Tommy. He could still feel her at his side, slender fingers reaching out to rub the little furry ears...

Some of Hardeen's body heat reached him, then. He wasn't shivering so badly, but still he was hemorrhaging spiritually. He'd heal in a few days...he'd done it in the beginning, before he met Zee.

Wrapping his arms around his cat, Tommy buried his face against the soft, musky smelling fur, and drew a shaky sigh as he tried to remind himself that he'd survived before he ever knew her love. He could live without it. He could live alone.

He just wasn't sure he wanted to.

Muse: Tommy Karras
Fandom: Original Character
Words: 404
Partner: Ziyah Ambrogio (zee_ali) Highlander OC [deceased]

Parallel lines, move so fast,
toward the same point,
infinity is as near as it is far

He was getting her ready for bed when it came over him. Staring down at her on the changing table, his sweet little girl in her pretty lavender jammies, kicking her feet and staring up at him with her mother’s wide, warm eyes. It almost suffocated him for a moment, the things they had already endured side by side and yet the gulf of space that lived between them. This tiny life that didn’t yet have function or voice could speak without words and heal his deepest wounds just by touching her pudgy little fingers to his face…

He stepped back. He shut his eyes. He pictured the sound of her voice, heard it in his ears…and called on power that didn’t come to him naturally.

A moment later, there was a soft sound of feet touching the floor. The hand on his face was slim and fine-boned, fingers long and artistic.

“Daddy…don’t do this.”

Tommy reached up to catch the hand in his, pressing a kiss to her palm as he felt the tears come. “I’m sorry, I just…I had to hear your voice. I had to…tell you…”

The hand slipped free from his as a slender dancer’s body pressed to his, strong and sure arms wrapping around his neck in a fierce embrace. “When you talk, I listen. I hear, I understand. I always will.”

He hugged her back fiercely, eyes still shut. “I’m doing my best, baby. I just…want you to know that.”

“I do…and so is she.”

“What? Who?”

Her lips touched his cheek, warm and soft. “Believe, Daddy. Please?”

“…I believe in you. That’s all I got left.”

“I know… I love you, Daddy.”

He felt the first sob escape at that, his head burying itself against her neck. “Aww, baby, I love you…”

She held him as he cried for ages before she tried to step back. He let her go, never opening his eyes.

He stood there with them closed until he heard her coo again from her place on the changing table.

Opening them again, he moved back up hastily and lifted her back into his arms, holding her close for a moment. He pressed his lips to her soft little cheek, breathing in the sweet scent of newborn, clean skin, and talcum powder that was hers.

The pudgy hand touched his cheek to soothe his pain…and the tear stains on her jammies reminded him that it always would.

NOTE: Based on the concept of this illusion. The incarnation that appears in this piece is Mayilia Karras at the age of eighteen.

Muse: Tommy Karras
Fandom: Original Character
Words: 406