[this is it now] this is how a heart breaks...

[magic_fratboy]

The mausoleum was allegedly a family crypt, but the Weiss name marked it as a hall of the Fraternity...a final resting place for the one true family each of them would ever know. Each vault held the remains of a Brother or Sister that had died for the cause, all of them at the hands of the Darkness. Here, their bodies got the peace, the rest that their souls would never have the opportunity to enjoy.

It was Tommy's first Broken Wand ceremony, but he still knew it with an eerie sort of familiarity as he led the way into the mausoleum, his hand in Lauren's. She still didn't know what to expect, he knew, but he wanted it that way. He wanted her to see, to realize the thing she was asking of him.

It was time to give her more of himself than he had so far...a look at the man he was, and not the man he wanted to be for her.

"I'm sorry, Master, but she's human."

Tommy glanced over at the younger man ushering at the entrance, undisturbed by the title. Truth be told, he was actually getting used to hearing it, as if it were his due.

"It's cool, I got permission from Mackenroy...Karl, is it?"

"Ulner, Master. Karl Ulner." the usher replied, straightening a little with pride.

Smiling, Tommy nodded to him as he led Lauren to one of the numerous marble benches laid out in rows in the front of the mausoleum, creating a small section of stadium seating. Many other Fraternity members had already arrived, dressed in black with white gloves just as Lauren and Tommy were. Chatting amongst themselves idly, both Ben and the Kellars were visible in the crowd.

"This is a Broken Wand ceremony." Tommy explained to Lauren with quiet sorrow, pointing to a space in front of the audience where a podium, a long table, and three large photos were arranged on stands, depicting three women and one boy that didn't look much older than twenty five. "A funeral lays the body to rest, but this is where those people will be truly laid to rest today. C'mon...there's seats over here."

Comments

[possessingbadge.livejournal.com]

She'd had to buy a dress last minute since most of her wardrobe consisted of jeans and what wasn't was better suited for a gritty bar not a black tie anything. Not knowing how dressed up she needed to be she opted to just go simple. The dress she found was a little more form fitting than she would have liked. There was nowhere to keep her gun on her person and she didn't have a gun small enough to fit in the only purse she actually owned so she would have either have to go without or hope they didn't notice a bulge in the jacket she refused to take off all night (not likely).

Instead, she slipped a small butterfly knife in the little black party purse she had for special occasions and an even smaller blade that was specifically designed to be concealed in her cleavage. Hopefully, she wouldn't have to pull either one but considering their first date and the way these people attracted trouble there was no way she was going anywhere without some form of minimal protection. Even if it would do nothing except make her feel better which was most likely the case.

Letting him take her hand, she followed him into the mausoleum. Her light colored eyes darted around trying to take it in. "This is pretty morbid for the hope parade. Do you guys rent by the hour or is there some sliding scale the cryptkeeper worked out for you?" She muttered under her breath. Humor was her defense mechanism and this place made her nervous. She was kicking herself for not finding a place for her Beretta.

Waiting until they got to the benches, she smirked and whispered to him with a smile "Master?" but the smile disappeared when he seemed so morose. Wrong time. Wrong place.

"So... was this person someone you knew?"

[magic-fratboy.livejournal.com]

Taking a seat beside her, Tommy nodded, pointing out two of the photos. "The brunette with the green eyes and the older black guy...Rachel Hayward and Leo Stall. Leo was an accomplished closeup guy, Rachel was an initiate. Pledged before I did."

He paused, turning to face her with the same quiet sadness in his face and voice. "Lauren...close your eyes for a minute and really soak up the atmosphere. You've been in a cemetery before, right? You've felt that energy in the air...quiet, hushed, a sense of something thick and living in the air? It's the feel of energy passing, souls moving on."

After a moment, his voice continued, a little closer to her ear. "You don't feel that here, do you? You know why? This mausoleum holds the bodies of those that died serving the order. Every person here that's passed on made the ultimate sacrifice in the name of hope and man: they gave their souls. None of them ever made it any further than these graves. There are no souls here to comfort the living."

[possessingbadge.livejournal.com]

Rachel. That was what he called her on their first date. She'd thought he just forgot her name but when she brought it up later, he said it was something else. Now, she wondered if he didn't accidentally call her by this woman's name.

She closed her eyes obediently but wasn't entirely sure she understood what she was supposed to be feeling. Despite her own ability, she wasn't an expert on the human soul. Nor did she frequent cemeteries. She went for her dad's funeral and one time since then. Both times she was too wrecked to have paid attention if it was thick with souls moving around. Still, she kept her eyes closed and tried to absorb the meaning of what he was saying.

As he moved closer, she inhaled sharply but didn't move away. Her skin felt sort of prickly and if she weren't so distracted by the idea that these people lost their souls, she might have felt her stomach tighten. Her blue eyes fluttered open as she glanced at him then back to the photos.

The idea of being soulless was horrifying especially for someone like her that was very aware of her own soul. She didn't know how to take any of it. Growing up Navajo, she didn't believe in hell. Hell for them would be if their bodies were cursed and they were never able to move on. But not existing anymore seemed that much worse to her.

Even though she hadn't be speaking, she managed to grow more quiet. This was his big scare. The thing he needed her to see to justify why he didn't want her involved. As far as scary went, this was a pretty good one. Her skin felt colder just thinking about it even and without thinking she hugged herself and rubbed her arms against that invisible cold.

The only thing he probably didn't count on was that while it was understandable that he wouldn't want her to lose her soul, she felt a angry that his situation was that much worse and she had no idea. It wasn't bad enough he was almost dying but he was almost soulless as well? She wanted to scream. She wanted to fight every last black mist thing that liked to lurk in alleys. She wanted to shake him for for all the times he went into the fray and left her behind with only "believe in me" for comfort. She wanted to yell at those people in the photos and every single person in that mausoleum, starting with Tommy, for... well, she wasn't exactly sure. She just wanted to yell at them.

The thing that made her the angriest though was that feeling of helplessness that was creeping around the edges. The fact that this was well out of her league and there might not be anyway for her to help. That all her military training, working out and near perfect aim meant shit against this stuff. Even her ability would probably just speed along the whole soulless process.

She fought. That's what she did, who she was. But this was one Army she couldn't enlist in and the idea of being some Army wife equivalent left a sour feeling in her stomach.

Suddenly needing air, she stood up quickly and excused herself before she all but ran back outside.

[not-cardini.livejournal.com]

She was outside on her own for several minutes before a soft footfall rang out behind her, continuing until it stopped at her side. For a long while, her companion simply stood there silently beside her before making himself known by speaking.

"I had to run at my first one, too." Ben admitted softly, staring out at the peaceful, picturesque landscape of the cemetery's rolling green hills. "We're not allowed to attend these things until we pledge...I was twenty five and still riding the high. Getting in with my little problem and all. Seeing my future was some scary shit, lemme tell ya."

He paused, then sighed as he folded his arms across his chest. "We look, sound, and act human, Laur, but at the end of the day? We're not. You and your people fight for kith, kin, country, and all that jive, but us? We fight for you. Love is one of the facets of hope, and we love you all. We love you enough to die for you...the ultimate death, no less. It's a mistress he'll never be able to give up, the human race...and as a human? Our war is one he'll never willingly call or allow you to fight."

[possessingbadge.livejournal.com]

At first she didn't say anything. The clenching of her jaw followed by her roughly pushing her hands through her hair were the only indicators she even heard him. Part of her thought it would be Tommy. She should of known he'd call in reinforcements.

"I never asked him to give anything up. I just couldn't stand seeing him injured all the time and when I'd ask him about it he'd pat me on the fucking head and tell me not to worry about it." She crossed her arms a little tighter under her breasts but it did almost nothing against the cold she felt inside.

Her mind kept flashing back to photos inside. To all those tombs that lined the walls. He was right when she first met him and he told her he didn't have a long life expectancy. It was only fitting that the keepers of hope should die so young.

"What do I do, Ben?" She asked after falling into silence again. "What the fuck do I do?"

[not-cardini.livejournal.com]

"Well, I don't know about you? But his wife almost left him more than once." Ben admitted. Off her reaction, he shrugged. "Beatrice...Bess Houdini. True, they had a storybook marriage, and she knew the truth about him, but she couldn't deal with it half the time. Drove him into the arms of a lot of other women, and the guilt of that drove Houdini nuts."

He paused, leaning in a little to bump Lauren's arm companionably with his own. "We all chose this life, Laur. Many children of Pandora lead full and normal lives as civilians, but we chose service over living. That includes Tommy. Now you get that, I'm sure, being a cop? But now you have to make a harder choice: if you want to be at Tommy's side, you have to choose not to serve. Because in this army, humans aren't the soldiers...they're the munitions. In that, he ain't kidding you. Every soul we save is one more bullet in the side of those who want you all dead."

[possessingbadge.livejournal.com]

She was surprised to hear that his perfect little Bess, the woman whose shadow Lauren couldn't seem to crawl out of, almost left him. Even more so that he'd cheated on her. It made sense that he wouldn't want to repeat all that again. not that she would was the type to get up in arms about sex. The ultimate betrayal to her was if they gave their heart away. Not their body.

Suddenly she was 18 years old again watching her dad get worse every. Watching him fight and knowing there was nothing she could do for him. She'd done her best to support him. Everyday she had found new things to smile about so father wouldn't know she was dying along side him. But in the end, he lost and his defeat left her alone and hollow. A feeling that she still hadn't been able to shake completely. She never wanted to feel that helpless again. She'd shut everyone out before she let that happen.

"You don't know what you're asking me." She murmured softly and looked him.

[not-cardini.livejournal.com]

"I'm asking you what they asked of us." he replied honestly. "This choice, this calling is older than time. From Pandora to her children and on down the line, this is the sacrifice that's been offered up: giving our lives before we've ever lost 'em. His sacrifice will always come first, and you have to understand that. You can have him, Laur...but you can't hold onto him. That's what it comes down to."

"Hey, kidlets? We're starting."

Ben glanced back over his shoulder at Mike, who had peeked his head out of the entryway to the mausoleum. Nodding, he turned back to Lauren and laid a friendly hand on her shoulder. "C'mon, Spirit Girl...Tommy brought you here for a reason. Let's give some good people a good sendoff, huh?"

[possessingbadge.livejournal.com]

You can have him, Laur...but you can't hold onto him.

The words echoed in her head even as she followed him back inside. She didn't even argue that the people they were honoring were soulless so there was nothing to send off. She just kept her mouth shut and mulled over those words. She'd spent so much time and energy trying to figure out what he wanted from all this that she'd completely neglected what she wanted. It was his show. His rules. She gave him all the power and not only was that probably adding to her distress over everything, it was kind of unfair to him as well.

She didn't know what sort of relationship she wanted from him. Whatever it was, she just wanted him to be honest. Now he was. He couldn't promise her tomorrow. His mission had to come first. And no, there was nothing she would be able to do about it.

That last part still weighed heavy on her. Every instinct her wanted to be able to protect him if the time came that he needed it. So knowing that she probably couldn't, not that he would let her try anyway, was a tough pill to swallow.

Silently, she slipped back to her seat beside him. No conclusions were made but she wasn't leaving either. Her hand found his and interlocked their fingers. Blue-green eyes found amber ones and though no words were spoken, she apologized. She apologized for freaking out, for making that day about her when he'd lost a friend, for not having an answer for him. For all of it.

[magic-fratboy.livejournal.com]

Tommy glanced over as she took her seat beside him, giving Lauren a small, soft smile and squeezing her hand as their fingers linked. He wasn't quite sure what he was feeling in her...some thin, gleaming wire of a thing too hard to be hope and too strong to be despair. Still, there was a gentleness in her manner, a silent apology of sorts, and he patted her hand to let her know he understood as an older gentleman walked to the podium set up at the front of the mausoleum.

"Martin Mackenroy...he's the leader of the Fraternity for the West Coast." Tommy whispered to her for her own edification before Martin began to speak, his soft Southern drawl ringing out throughout the room.

"Three lost souls and one fallen soldier...that's who we're here to honor today. We know that Leo, Jennifer, and Alice can't hear us now, but wherever she is, we hope that Rachel hears us and sees us today...and knows that we remember her as a wonderful young woman, and celebrate the warrior she could have been. We celebrate the blessing of her death, the preservation of her soul, and with her brothers and sisters we acknowledge the beauty of her end, and the necessity of our own. Leo, Jen, and Alice are forever gone...but in their stead, the legacy they fought for lives on."