magic_fratboy (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
magic_fratboy) wrote2009-02-02 10:00 am
magic_fratboy) wrote2009-02-02 10:00 am
Entry tags:
[ct] 51.5 - how do you put up with her?
Ziyah’s been gone a month now, and I’m still struggling to get through every day. I’m not dealing with her, and that’s the problem. I want to, God knows I want to…but something in me won’t let her go and I don’t know how to make it work. It’s not that losing her hurts so bad….it’s that losing her doesn’t hurt enough.
It’s like she’s haunting me, and I wish to Christ she’d stop.
It’s not a matter of believing she’s dead. I do, I know, I had to ID the body. What I’m going through is deeper than knowledge, it’s a gut thing. It’s a sixth sense I can’t shake, no matter how I try. Maybe it’s like a soulmates thing, maybe I can feel her through the veil between worlds. Maybe the coins I left in her casket weren’t enough to get her across the river Styx.
Maybe I’m just going crazy without her…literally.
I just know that I don’t wanna go on the sleeping pills my shrink wants to give me just so I can get more than three hours a night, or the anti-anxiety meds she’s recommending so I can stop looking over my shoulder all the damn time. I don’t even wanna be here right now, trying to cope with some kind of neuroses that doesn’t even exist.
I want to be able to think of her and agonize, if that’s my lot. I want the memories to become comforting, I wanna be able to tell my daughter about her mom when she gets older. I can’t do that if I’m running from a shade.
What I want, more than anything, is to be able to tell you exactly how I put up with her, because when I can do that? Maybe I can finally get some fucking closure.
Muse: Tommy Karras
Fandom: Original Character
Words: 304
Partner: Ziyah Ambrogio (![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-syndicated.gif)
zee_ali) [deceased]
It’s like she’s haunting me, and I wish to Christ she’d stop.
It’s not a matter of believing she’s dead. I do, I know, I had to ID the body. What I’m going through is deeper than knowledge, it’s a gut thing. It’s a sixth sense I can’t shake, no matter how I try. Maybe it’s like a soulmates thing, maybe I can feel her through the veil between worlds. Maybe the coins I left in her casket weren’t enough to get her across the river Styx.
Maybe I’m just going crazy without her…literally.
I just know that I don’t wanna go on the sleeping pills my shrink wants to give me just so I can get more than three hours a night, or the anti-anxiety meds she’s recommending so I can stop looking over my shoulder all the damn time. I don’t even wanna be here right now, trying to cope with some kind of neuroses that doesn’t even exist.
I want to be able to think of her and agonize, if that’s my lot. I want the memories to become comforting, I wanna be able to tell my daughter about her mom when she gets older. I can’t do that if I’m running from a shade.
What I want, more than anything, is to be able to tell you exactly how I put up with her, because when I can do that? Maybe I can finally get some fucking closure.
Muse: Tommy Karras
Fandom: Original Character
Words: 304
Partner: Ziyah Ambrogio (
zee_ali) [deceased]