magic_fratboy: (emote - beaten down)
Broken Wand ceremony for teenage magician shot in an Anaheim robbery.

He was human, there are some of them in this field. Nineteen years old...

Kinda makes me wanna lock May in a box 'till she's forty. Not a good day, man.
magic_fratboy: (casual - intense)
[Don't need to be saved.]

I know.

I think some part of me has always known, at least since all this started. It comes in drips and dribbles, the knowing. It’s a leak in my own head I haven’t been real sure what to do with. It reads like a story sometimes, one I didn’t realize I was listening to or even had my eye on. When it’s bad, it’s real fucking distracting…at it’s best, it helps a lot.

I talk to people, and I find myself weaving the words through the holes in every story. I patch their hurts using their own wounds against them, wounds I shouldn’t be able to see. They’re there, though, all in the story that runs constantly through my head. I know what tricks to do, I know who to touch and how.

I know. I think some part of me has always known. Maybe since day one, I can’t be sure.

There’s one in every bunch…a freak, a villain, a knight in shining armor. I don’t know which one I am, but I know it’s one of the three. I know a whole hell of a lot these days, and I wish to the gods I didn’t. Or maybe I’m wrong.

Maybe I should say ‘I wish to me.

I know. I know I don’t want help, and I don’t want to be saved, I don’t need it. I know what happens when you try to save heroes…I don’t want that to happen to anybody I care about.

I know what happens ‘cause I know what already happened. All of it…every last second of it. I know, and I think some part of me has always known, all my life.

I know what it is to feel as the gods feel. I know what it is to know everything.

Muse: Tommy Karras
Fandom: Original Character
Words: 301
magic_fratboy: (avatar - power of love)
Real busy this afternoon working on some stuff for the show tonight, but I'm out on lunch and I just felt like...I dunno. Like I oughta say something. Probably 'cause Zee's been shook up about some of it and we got to talking. Trading stories and whatnot. There's a lot of that going on today. I know it's kinda freaky for me and Zee, even Channing: her mom was almost there at the Towers eight years ago when they fell.

Obviously, we can't ever forget what happened, none of us should. But I think we need to choose what we remember. Like me...I was twenty three or twenty four when it happened, and living in LA. I got family that lives in New York, and I can only thank God none of 'em were working in the Towers...at least not that day. Like Chan, I find myself thinking about what could've been.

I don't like to think about that. The fear, the helplessness...that's not what I choose to remember.

I remember darkness, and the light that shone through it. I remember a group of humans with the kind of courage and strength my people only wish they could instill in a soul. Flight 93 is what I remember. I pray for those who died in the attacks, I mourn the losses we all suffered...but when I look back on that day in my mind and in my heart? I forget the shadows of evil that tried to find a foothold.

I remember three outta four. I remember who's still standing: us, not them...and I remember the people who helped make that happen.

Never forget...that we're still here. Never forget that.
magic_fratboy: (emote - nostalgia)
My thoughts below... )

I need to stop watching this for a while. Startled me a little, but...thinking about her death still hits me so damn hard, especially after losing Zee like I did.

I'm gonna go find my girls and hold May. 'Till she's thirty. Finish the movie later.
magic_fratboy: (emote - seated)


You Are 59% Pure



You're not so innocent... in fact, you're quite unpure.

You have seen and experienced a lot. And you're no worse for the wear!



Huh...and I thought I'd test eviler. More evil? Which is right?...

In other news, for those who don't know? Cops asked for a sample of May's DNA. They think the body they picked up in Vegas wasn't Zee's.

They haven't called me...but I know they're right.

I'm only talkin' about it because I want nobody to get involved with this. The cops'll find her, I've seen it. They'll get her, they'll get who took her from me. I don't wanna know what they're doing, where these assholes are.

I don't wanna hurt anyone, and if I find out who I have to kill? I won't be responsible for what I do. I just won't be.

I will not spill blood in her name, not again. Not until she's home.
magic_fratboy: (avatar - power of love)
Oh, that's nice. So now cheating on your husband makes you a feminist?

No, no, it's not the cheating. It's the hunger. The hunger for an alternative, and the refusal to accept a life of unhappiness.


Nobody believes me when I tell them there’s no one else, that there never will be. They think it’s too soon to know that, they think I’ll get on with my life. I won’t. Maybe it’s selfish of me, but I won’t settle for something else ‘cause it’ll only ever be good enough. It won’t be what I had, and for me? It’s perfect happiness or nothing.

Being with Zee changed my life. I mean, fuck…what we had was so real, so strong that it made a miracle. May shouldn’t exist, but here she is. What else could I hope to have after that? Warmth, affection, stability? Sure, but it’s not enough. Great sex, good physical chemistry, a healthy love life? Yeah, I don’t deny other women appeal to me, or that I could probably sleep with some of ‘em.

It’s not enough. It’s a shadow of that fairy tale, ass-kicking, maelstrom romance I found with my girl. I can’t live with that. I don’t know who in their right mind could. I’ve never been able to settle, not in all my lifetimes. If one woman wasn’t enough, I found others and I had everything I needed. This time, I got lucky: I found all the passion and tenderness I’d ever need in a single girl.

I won’t even get into how big a betrayal it would be, not when my heart can’t forget her. When I can’t feel the void she left, when I can still reach out and feel her like she’s close enough to touch…I’m well aware that I’m marrying a ghost. The new tattoo I got, the ring around my finger? It’s the reason I felt I had to address this shit. I get asked about it so goddamn much now it’s insane.

Love left me, so I married the memory. Getting off or getting together with someone doesn’t matter anymore. All that matters to me is May, my friends, and my career. The world lost something beautiful when it lost Ziyah Ambrogio…it’s my job to put that beauty back.

Muse: Tommy Karras
Fandom: Original Character
Words: 344
Partner: Ziyah Ambrogio ([livejournal.com profile] zee_ali) [deceased]
magic_fratboy: (emote - stressed)
Music was made to torture me. Period. That's my conspiracy theory of the day and I'm sticking to it.

It's not bad enough that I can feel her all the time, but now iTunes seems to be creating its own fucking Zee Ambrogio mix and I can't stop it short of turning the shit off...and I really don't wanna be alone in my own head today.

That...and I'm still dreaming, still drawing.

S'ayapo, Ziyah...but get the hell outta my head.
magic_fratboy: (emote - conversational)
001: Name: Thomas Gregory Karras
002. Nicknames: Tommy, Tom Tom, Ehrie, Magic Man, Hope Boy, Pops, Doofus
003. Single or taken: off the market
004. Zodiac Sign: Virgo
005. Male or Female: Male
006. Elementary School: PS 122
007. iPod: Shuffle
008. Screename: TommyKarras (I know, real original)

More memeage... )

One day I'll do something besides big-ass memes and bitching about my life, I swear. Until then...yeah.

I'm still not sleeping, and I can only thank God May's such a little angel. She was a mess for a while, as most babies are, but she's been sleeping through the night for the last two weeks. She hardly ever cries, 'less I keep the animals away from her. She's real interested in the new puppy, and he loves her. Hell, the cats are her personal guard. When she naps afternoons, Hardy sleeps on her bureau and Kel climbs in her crib. He don't shed hardly at all, thank God, but don't tell my mother I let him sleep with her, she'll shit.

I'd forgotten how much I missed this city...and Zee's everywhere I go. She's in everything.

It's killing me inside.
magic_fratboy: (emote - trapped)
Have a meme... )

In other news, I'm officially settled into the new house. Don't ask how, but the furniture's in, stuff's set up...it's all done. I might wanna repaint the kitchen, tho, ain't decided yet. Plus I gotta talk to my landlord since I'm renting.

May's doing great, she's getting so huge I can hardly stand it. She's holding her head up more, and she's getting to where I know her smiles are real. She holds onto me sometimes, and I swear she snuggles up to me when we lay on the couch...

She looks exactly like Zee.

Anyway, I have a job interview this afternoon with someone from the MGM Mirage. Chan got it for me, I'm sure of it, 'cause the call was very vague. I honestly don't know if they want me as an act or as an artist...but work's work, and I'll take what I can get.

Wish me luck, everyone.
magic_fratboy: (emote - evil look)
Ziyah’s been gone a month now, and I’m still struggling to get through every day. I’m not dealing with her, and that’s the problem. I want to, God knows I want to…but something in me won’t let her go and I don’t know how to make it work. It’s not that losing her hurts so bad….it’s that losing her doesn’t hurt enough.

It’s like she’s haunting me, and I wish to Christ she’d stop.

It’s not a matter of believing she’s dead. I do, I know, I had to ID the body. What I’m going through is deeper than knowledge, it’s a gut thing. It’s a sixth sense I can’t shake, no matter how I try. Maybe it’s like a soulmates thing, maybe I can feel her through the veil between worlds. Maybe the coins I left in her casket weren’t enough to get her across the river Styx.

Maybe I’m just going crazy without her…literally.

I just know that I don’t wanna go on the sleeping pills my shrink wants to give me just so I can get more than three hours a night, or the anti-anxiety meds she’s recommending so I can stop looking over my shoulder all the damn time. I don’t even wanna be here right now, trying to cope with some kind of neuroses that doesn’t even exist.

I want to be able to think of her and agonize, if that’s my lot. I want the memories to become comforting, I wanna be able to tell my daughter about her mom when she gets older. I can’t do that if I’m running from a shade.

What I want, more than anything, is to be able to tell you exactly how I put up with her, because when I can do that? Maybe I can finally get some fucking closure.

Muse: Tommy Karras
Fandom: Original Character
Words: 304
Partner: Ziyah Ambrogio ([livejournal.com profile] zee_ali) [deceased]
magic_fratboy: (emote - injured)
“I went looking for a fight.”

“What the…Jesus, T-Bird…”

Tommy simply shrugged in response to his cousin’s exasperation, wincing as Carbone blotted the laceration on his forehead with an alcohol swab. He welcomed the lingering burn, the acid bite of sterilization beneath the skin…he was looking for pain, for something, anything to hurt him. Anything to help him ease the knot in his gut that he couldn’t let go of.

“I needed something to hurt, Bone. Something safe…something that’d hit back.”

“Getting yer ass kicked ain’t gonna help you grieve for her, man.”

“It might.”

“Whatever, idiot stick…just bear in mind that *she* was waiting up for ya.” )

Muse: Tommy Karras
Fandom: Original Character
Words: 639
magic_fratboy: (emote - bashful)
So what's this gorgeous person's name?
Tommy Karras...and stop trying so hard, I'm taken.

How are you feeling?
Like shit. I'm hanging in there.

Would you rather fight zombies, vampires, or evil spirits?
Vampires. Easier to kill, from my experience.

More meme below... )

In other news, I'm in New York and dead fucking tired. Time change is a bitch, and I haven't slept hardly at all. May's crashed out in her crib in the corner, I'm holed up in my cousin's guest room while I'm here.

Anyone that wants to get ahold of me, call or IM or write, I'm good with all of it. Buzz Carbone if you can't get me directly...Bee? Gimme a call when you're back in town, we'll have lunch.

To everyone that's been sending their well wishes, I wanna thank you...and for the ones still worried about me? Don't be. I know my decision about this stunt ain't a popular one, but I wouldn't be taking this risk if I didn't feel I had to.

Tomorrow I start training for Buried Alive. If all goes well? I'll be back in Vegas in about three weeks...and you're all invited to the show.

For now? I'm gonna go pick up my baby girl, lay down and spend another eight hours staring at the goddamn bedroom door waiting for someone that's not fuckin' coming home.
magic_fratboy: (emote - somber)
List of things that remind me of someone:

- HSN and QVC
- Teletubbies
- Demolition (long story)
- angels
- swords
- cannolis
- cursing in Italian
- cats
- Mayan culture
- clubbing
- rock music
- turn of the century aviation
- the Voisin
- straightjackets
- Greek food (stuffed grape leaves in particular)
- rough sex
- sweet smiles with bad intentions

List of moments I'd like to rewind:

- First glimpse of Zee I ever got. I remember thinking no man could touch that Amazon goddess and live to tell about it. I did.

- First time we kissed. She was half dead in my arms, and I was seriously fucked up 'cause I thought I lost her...still felt like I'd just won the Lottery.

- The last day we spent at home in LA. Slept late on a Saturday, Kel was stretched out on her chest and Hardy was wedged between us in bed. Zee was awake, I was half asleep, but I still heard her muttering under her breath in Italian...she was talkin' to the baby in her belly, and I knew right then that I couldn't have asked for a more perfect woman to be the mother of my child.

- The last time she said 'I love you' to me. It was in our suite just before I left to take May to see my folks while she took care of some stuff on her own. She kissed me and said it, and I left. Didn't think about it, didn't stop to consider it...I wanna go back and treasure that moment.

- The moment I was told my girlfriend had been murdered. I know, how come, right? Maybe if I went through it again...maybe if I torture myself enough with the reality of that moment...maybe I can finally feel the pain of it. Maybe then I can finally grieve for the woman I love.

Tommy Karras
Original Character
magic_fratboy: (look - wifebeater)
I quit my job today.

Took that lyric from a demo Toca and his crew let me listen to...thanks, brother. It's killing me, but it's also helping. Gift of music, I guess.

So I been listening to this song...and I quit my job today.

To those of you I'm leavin' behind in LA, I'm sorry. I can't go back there, though. I can't live in that history, I can't keep those memories so close. Zee's life has ended, and I can't find that part of the thread that's us. I have to get to the end...so I can't live in the beginning.

Anyway, I called Sassy and Jelly and the rest of the Fraternity to help me get shit together. Sassy's gonna ask her dad for help with a real estate agent and pack up the loft, Jelly's taking my client load and dividing it up at the office except for a few that I'm keeping privately. My boss was cool about it...even offered to take me back later if I change my mind. I'm heading to Florence for the funeral, then to New York for a couple weeks. See my aunt and my cuz, decompress a little...figure some stuff out.

To those of you in Vegas, you'll be pleased to know I'm coming back to stay. Gonna find a place for me and May, get a new job...Mom always wanted me to come home again, now she'll get her wish. I have stuff to do here, people who need me...people who needed Zee. I'm gonna be there where she can't be.

She's haunting me...I can't sleep. I can't think...I can't stop waiting for her to walk right into me. I don't know why I can't cope with this, but it's makin' me insane and I gotta get my shit together for May. The last thing I wanna do is fail my daughter...

Sorry, I'm just tired and...you know. So I'm cleaning out my work email before I lose access at the end of the week? I tend to send myself shit to back it up...so I found some old pics I never shared, and later I scanned something nobody ever got to see.

Check it out, but if the subject of Zee's still too touchy, you might not wanna click the cut...

Some pics of Zee... )

Zee, if you're out there somewhere, I miss you, I love you...and I'm beggin' you to let me go. Before losing you really does kill me.
magic_fratboy: (emote - thoughtful)
Tommy sighed, narrowing his eyes at his own reflection staring out of the glass front of the vending machine currently holding his bottle of soda hostage. Instead of shaking the machine, however, he simply glanced around to make sure he was alone, then extended his arm and laid his hand flat against the glass…

He watched with a sort of detached fascination as his own fingers passed effortlessly through the solid pane.

Stretching his arm, he simply grabbed his soda from the robotic arm dispensing it and withdrew it back through the glass again, leaving the machine completely intact as he walked out of the cafeteria and headed for Zee’s room again.

Halfway there, he met with an unusual sight as he passed by the nurse’s station on the fifth floor and witnessed two nurses marveling at a plant that Tommy had seen on the desk, half-dead not an hour before. He added two and two, getting four too late as he felt a familiar hand on his shoulder.

You`re not watching your back, Tom Tom... )

Muse: Tommy Karras
Fandom: Original Character
Words: 1,088

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